Saturday 7 November

Chobham 5th XV   21 - 22   Farnham 3s

The John O'Neill and Partners Reserve Leagues, Surrey Combination 3

A tale of so near yet so far ....................

After the defeats of the past few weeks at the hands of various Barbarian hoardes, the war weary Crusading 5s received word that the enemy was once again camped at our gates and preparing to invade fortress Fowler’s Wells.   In the year of our lord 2009, in the 10th month, an army from nearby Farnham, finally breached our gates and prepared to do battle with us.   Bringing with them warriors from foreign lands, ok we had a few Welshmen in our side so I suppose we had some foreigners too, they looked like a fearsome enemy, but we were in no mood to be coming second again, as I made clear in my pre-match speech – sounds very civilised doesn’t it – when I said I did not want to be making another “great effort but unlucky” speech at the end.   For those of you paying attention you know what’s coming ... c**p!!

From the off , Chobham dominated much of the play and the scoring was opened by none other than Mark “woo-hoo” Bishton, although without the celebrations this time, spoil sport!!



Further tries ensued as the team really seemed to be gelling, or was that the backs doing their hair, and although Farnham had their moments we were nicely ahead at half time.

Now, you would have thought that I would be happy at this point, but I came into the circle hopping mad, like someone walking on coals, actually I’d got something stuck in my boots, but the effect was good.   “Turn your backs on the enemy and the swines will shoot you in the arse, either that or I will” says I!



Unfortunately the start of the second half was a bit like being at home – one word from me and the kids do what they like.   We went to sleep and Farnham came at us with renewed vigour, scoring 3 times, one try from a penalty with at least 3 of the closest Chobham players having their backs to the enemy – well and truly shot in the arse!



Despite all this we came back really strong in the final 10 minutes – Kris Scott being very unlucky not to score down the wing – being pulled all the way back for a knock-on by the oppo. – what about the advantage ref??   Gavin Loveday, who played well all afternoon, snuck through and scored under the posts to make the conversion easy for himself and take us back into the lead, only to hit the bloody post – I’m sure someone moved it – after kicking well all game.   One point behind, we re-gathered the ball and were rewarded with a penalty just inside Farnham’s half.   New man Brent stepped up to take the last kick of the game and win us the match.   Silence fell, I think someone must have let off wind and put him off, because in one of those “I wish the ground would open up and swallow me moments” Brent stubbed the ground before he touched the ball, and you’ve guessed it, I’m making another one of those speeches.

Oh well, next week chaps, next week!!



Moment of the game  - we were all trying to spot the sniper that appeared to shoot Simon “the Gazelle” Birch in the back.



Saturday 10 October

Streatham & Croydon 2s   40 - 10   Chobham 5th XV

The John O'Neill and Partners Reserve Leagues, Surrey Combination 3

The crusade moved camp this week and travelled to sunny Streatham and Croydon – bloody poured down last time we were here, at least the Celtic Warrior - sounds like a racehorse – can’t be late with the kit!   Yes the sun was shining and those of us a little follically challenged were running around, or in my case jogging, like some sort of human flashlights.   Maybe we could dazzle the opposition into submission cause the rugby sure as hell wasn’t going to do it!   What!!   Is this the 5th team Captain have a whinge – must be the time of the month!!

Whinge over, let’s have some fun!   I know let’s watch the same guy run past us time after time after time – god will you please give somebody else the bloody ball – preferably us, so we can give it back to, yes you’ve guessed it the same bloke.   Half time could not have come any sooner – well it could have if we’d have slipped the bloke in the middle something – hey he’s not running around looking like a demented canary – he’s in blue, must be molting!   I do know he denied new man Andy Campbell a first half try – brave man.

The second period saw us rally – yep we are going to take up mad ass driving now – and after a slight, OK an almighty re-shuffle of the troops, our fortunes started to change.   Great mauling from the Chobham pack, pressure in the scrum and our general overwhelming good looks and charm, resulted in a try from Mike “fingers” Muller, bloody pity we still haven’t got a kicker.   With forwards playing as backs – just don’t tell anyone for god’s sake, they’ll never live it down, we were off again and rolling – no that was the opposition laughing, cause we’ve just given the ball to – bet you can’t guess – that bloke again and he’s only gone and scored again.   Right – now I’m getting p****d off! So it would seem were a few others because the moment of the game came a few minutes later when, after some sustained forward pressure by Chobham, Rob “he’ll get into the 2XV over Nigel Guy’s dead body” Bonfield, stormed down the pitch with such a determined look on his face that it scared the hell out of everybody – what do you mean he was in pain because he had something sharp stuck in his shorts.   Whatever it was I don’t care – it worked.   Not too sure what happened between Rob and Steven Chapman, my eyes can’t see that far – not unless I’m drunk - but that ref bloke blew his whistle and charged to the posts – penalty try!   Conversion swiftly taken - and........... missed!!

Final whistle came and we are off to the bar, need a few beers after that and to soften the anguish of a long drive home.   Oh well, at least it didn’t rain!!

Next week chaps, next week.

Not going to tell you who was Crusading this week otherwise I’m going to get my privates wrecked by the other captains for having too many players!

Saturday 12 September

Woking 2s   5 - 41   Chobham 5th XV

The sounds of summer well behind us and the smell of autumn leaves .......... sorry I burst into song there, yes it’s me again, full of waffle – must mean the rugger season is back and the mighty Crusaders are called to arms once more!   Huraaaah!!

OK, it would be really handy if these teams could play in their own towns/villages so that directionally challenged people, not mentioning any names cause he’ll probably clobber me, don’t get lost – Woking playing not in West Byfleet but in Byfleet, separated by a bridge apparently – don’t ask me I get confused just going out the front door.   Anyway we all got there eventually and prepared for war.

Now, there was this really nice chap, looking like a very bright canary, oh that’s the ref bloke, who decided it was far too hot and said he would allow us to battle for 4 x 20 min periods with water breaks in between – sod the water, where’s the ale – what do you mean nobody brought it.   Bish has some Sloe Gin we hear – that’s almost as gay as the stuff he drank later that afternoon – next thing we know it’ll be tea and biscuits!

Right – whistle went and we’re off.   What are we going to do with these blokes?   Beat the living c**p out of them goes the cry – hey I didn’t think that mad Scotsman was playing so who said that?   And that’s exactly what we did.   Total forward dominance from the Chobham pack led to a plethora (crikey – that’s a word and a half,) of tries from all sections of the battlefield.   Try scorers too numerous to mention – so I’m not going to, except for the one scored by the aforementioned Mr. Bishton – woohoo – on his debut return to the fold from serious injury – amazing what those field quacks can do these days, seems they do have the technology, they can re-build him!

Only a small blip by the Chobham defence in the first period saw the usurpers from Woking cross our line, otherwise an almost faultless performance – don’t know which game I was watching!

Right, having just whooped the oppo, we are now going to go to their ale tent and drink them dry, talk about rubbing salt into the wound.   Well it would be if a certain Mr. Woohoo I’ve scored Bishton wasn’t drinking complete gayness – oh Pat’s going to love this!   And, to make matters worse, we noticed on the way out, a poster – it would seem that a certain Ben Smith  - what the hell have you done to your hair – has formed some retro 70s gay pop group.   Hope none of the Woking boys are in the band, as we’re probably going to get sued for this!   Only a bit of fun chaps!!

What the hell have I let myself in for this season???

Crusading this week: Ben Smith (alias – no probably better not say that otherwise we will get sued); Adam Stallwood; Marc Evans; Dougie Mayger; Chris Rafferty; Jason Stephens; Steve Eldred; Mark “Woohoo” Bishton; Kai Fisher; Gavin Loveday; Dan Williams; Simon Birch; Paul Switzer; Steve Coward; Tom Knox; Chris Talbot; Michael Spencer and Richard Lamberth.